(I'm sure many of you have been wondering why it has taken me so long to post this recipe since I have boasted on many an occasion about my dinner of pulled wild duck or tundra swan. I have been lovingly implored by many a devoted follower to reveal the source of my culinary genius, but you see, dear reader, I've been a little preoccupied enjoying all of what the Dakota to the North has to offer. I've been doing a little of this..and a little bit of that [Translation: I've been hunting A LOT and enjoying all that the North Dakota prairie has to offer].)
The first thing you're going to have prepare yourself for is actually obtaining a tundra swan, something that is a little difficult because many people will ask you, "Why do you want to kill a swan? They're so beautiful and majestic!" You'll have to come up with a good answer to these people who are probably the same people who refuse to eat venison because their "eyes are so big and soulful", these are also the same people who complain about the barbaric nature of hunting but are more than happy to scoot on over to the grocery store to obtain some plastic-wrapped, chemically-altered "beef", but again, I digress.
Please note: Many of the people you will converse about eating swan will have, in all likelihood, never actually SEEN a tundra swan. They're thinking of trumpeter or mute swans which don't taste good at all, in fact, they taste like a big fat felony with a sauce of being banned for life from hunting.
Without any further adieu because this is entirely too much commentary for a simple recipe, I give you the "Why Everyone Should Eat Tundra Swan" Tundra Swan recipe.
12ga shotgun, 3 inch (or 3.5, depending on the firearm) steel shells
A state-issued tundra swan tag*
A knife (sharp, preferably)
A large crockpot
Favorite BBQ sauce (we use Open Pit and Famous Dave's Devil's Spit)
Favorite Steakhouse Sauce (I use Lawry's)
Spices (we use a LOT of cayenne, Cajun, and black pepper)
Time (for hunting and for cooking)
1. Obtain a hunting permit**
2. Kill a swan***
3. Bring it home (if you have one, a motel will work, just ensure you have proper coverage for blood splatters) and breast the bird. (If the breasts are approximately the size of a small child, you're in good shape.)
4. Place breasts in large crock pot.
5. Add the software above and literally anything else you may have in your pantry (this includes but is not limited to shotgun shells, pants, tennis shoes, shoe strings, hockey sticks, broadheads [for extra spice], lamp, diesel fuel, hood ornament, angel sweat or any combination of anything else you may have in your house). Cover the meat entirely with whatever combination you come up with.
6. Cook the swan
On low: 8 hours
On high: 4 hours
6. After the allotted time, grab two forks (not mentioned in the hardware, sorry) and test the meat (not in math or English but in tenderness). If the meat cleaves easily between the force of two forks, continue to pull apart the meat. If the meat does not cleave easily, allow the meat to continue to cook until you can easily pull it apart with the forks, as covered in the sentence previous.
7. Once pulled (akin to pulled pork), allow the meat to simmer for a little while longer while you prepare your kaiser rolls, homemade mashed potatoes, or finish off your appetizer of wild boar-wrapped goose that you prepared on the grill. When your kitchen smells like the inside of a meat-riddled, caring, loving hug then your dinner is READY!
9. If there is any left, which is unlikely, put in freezer friendly containers to be headed up and enjoyed in the days to come.
*Wild duck can also be used.
**Wild duck can also be used.. again.
***Wild ducks can also be used.. again..again.