guided jackalope hunts AVAILABLE to public says mighty huntress
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WRITING HUNTRESS OFFICIALLY OFFERS GUIDED JACKALOPE HUNTS TO THE PUBLIC.
"It was something I've always wanted to do," The Writing Huntress, a noted hunter, chef, author, philanthropist, camouflage aficionado and all-around spectacular human specimen shyly noted during this afternoon's press conference hunt. "Jackalope hunting is in my blood, it's something that not a lot of people have been able to do so I figure, why not allow people to achieve their dreams?"
A dream maker is just what Mrs. Writing Huntress believes herself since the requests for guided hunts poured in after she began her blog almost four years ago. It took just that long in order to find a loophole in her jackalope hunting license to allow other people to hunt on her license that is grandfathered in, or passed down, generation to generation.
The press conference hunt, insisted upon by Mrs. WH, was located amongst the trees, in an unidentified forest in southern Manitoba. This would be quite normal if she hadn't also forced all of the reporters-this one included- to scale the towering monsters in "climbers" or walking tree stands that had been provided by the local, seedy outdoors shop that has requested to remain anonymous.
"Preposterous," claimed one, sweaty, reporter in his rumpled, wrinkled pin-striped, three-piece suit. "I was told this would be in a rural location with some tough terrain so I didn't wear my Guccis. Climbing up trees in rickety tree climbers with threadbare harnesses to see some crazy, painted chick let the world know about her jackalope hunting business? I don't get paid enough for this crap, I used to work for CNN, you hear me, CNN! And then that whole "shrew" incident and now I'm working for some low-budget news rag in Saskatchewan and they think this is news?"
"Absurd," rang another, a few trees down in a sort of hoisting contraption that appeared to be operated by her camera man. "I wasn't climbing no tree, you see these legs? These legs used to walk the catwalks of Paris, Nebraska. I aint climbin' to tree, no shur. Do jackalopes even exist?"
Just as the strung-up reporter uttered those words, a gasp rang out as a hundred or so horned bunnies began cresting the hill and making their way, almost like a gigantic blob or extremely angry group of hipsters descending upon the only Starbucks in rural New Jersey, towards the assembled, under-paid reporters.
The gore was considerable and the casualties have continued to mount but through the blood shed, Mrs. WH kept on with her speech. She promised future hunters a safe, affordable way to control the obviously over-populated vicious monsters. She concluded her speech once the screams of those assembled dissipated to a simmering roar by noting that she hopes that through this venture, the tradition of her beloved pastime will thrive for years to come.
Before the terrified survivors climbed down their trees or were lowered down like pinatas in cheap suits, Mrs. WH added, "Oh and just to let everyone know, I've got a new website and it's pretty sweet, check it out, okay? No pressure..."
A shameless ploy if there ever was one, she continued, "There are also some nifty things in the works that may be a neat treat for anyone who likes hunting, gear, and things of that nature."
"So, um, I'm sorry about the mess, I'm sure we can get this cleaned up without the authorities being called, right?"
Mrs. WH wasn't available for comment as she was the first to flee the scene with her army of jackalopes in tow.
Jackalope hunts will run anywhere from $14,500- $2,000,000 depending on the season, experience, and, according to the guide, "how much we like you." A trophy is not guaranteed, nor is loss of limbs, vision, or sense of smell. Inquiries can be forwarded to Mrs. WH at firstname.lastname@example.org.
At the time of this article's publication, Mrs. WH's whereabouts are still unknown. If you happen upon her, please inform the local authorities or your local crime stoppers affiliate.
Dixie Farthing is the Associate Editor for The Moosejaw Daily Times Sentinel Journal in Moosejaw, Quebec. She reports on world issues, struggles, and the everlasting conflict of man vs. useful news.